Tuesday, July 23, 2013

In Honor of Fantasy Football...

With FFB season just around the corner and the "joy" (read: soul-crushing Sunday afternoons) that brings, I thought I'd start us off with a little jaunt down memory lane.  This one's from last season's debacle.  And yes, I know in hind-site, having those players was a mistake from the get-go.  Thanks for the inevitable, expert input a year too late.

I would like to take a moment to post a long overdue, cathartic shout out to my team-- a collection of shit-eating, worthless assholes who have sucked more than just the dong of incompetence this year. They've managed to suck all the fun out of this season for me as well.
First, to my quarterbacks who have played like they've never even seen a football before. Tony Romo, your QB rating is 13 points below your career numbers and everyone knows you turn into a shit-filled pumpkin after Thanksgiving, so there's something to look forward to. Oh well, at least you're better than Phillip Rivers who, despite having been an elite player just two seasons ago, has managed to turn his career into something resembling a football version of the Aristocrats. Fuck you.
Brandon Lloyd, you are anti-talent. The announcers routinely mention how you have "the best hands on the field", but they must be referring to the reach-arounds you've been giving Belichick to keep your job, cause they sure as fuck aren't talking about your season. Maybe Bill will give you VD so you'll at least catch SOMETHING this year.
MJD, meanwhile, decided he'd get hurt every other down so I'd keep putting him in only to have him sprain his dick or some shit and reward me another awesome performance of 0 points. Just break your damn leg so I can drop you instead of having you haunt me like a case of sub-5 YPC anal warts. Steelers D, you couldn't stop a slowly rolling pile of shit, AKA your own RBs, of which I have had the displeasure of owning two so far. I hope Roethlisberger finally gets tired of this collective shitting on his games and takes you all to a nightclub just to rape you.
In summary, if I didn't mention you in this rant, just assume that you're too much of a joke for me to even bother, that you're a disgusting, worthless, boil on the asshole of the NFL, and that I hate each and every one of you. Except for AJ Green, of course. That guy is awesome. 
Have your own story (fantasy or otherwise) to share?  Send it to us.  You'll feel better, I promise.

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