Friday, July 26, 2013

Fredi Gonzalez is a Big, Dumb Asshole

I'm an Atlanta sports fan, and I've loved the Braves for a long time.  I've watched Maddux in his prime, rooted for thin Andruw Jones, prayed for Chipper to stay healthy, and booed fat Andruw Jones. And through it all, I've supported and cared about my team.

But there is a blight on the team now.  A festering boil on Chief Noc-A-Homa's ass.

And his name is Fredi Gonzalez.

This rant starts harmlessly enough, with the Braves looking for a replacement for our legendarily popular manager, Bobby Cox.  You see, while Cox hadn't always made the right decisions, the players loved him, the fans mostly adored him, and he generally didn't do things to fuck us over too badly.  Sadly, that's all you can really ask of a baseball manager, a job that's main requirement seems to be "don't misspell your name on the lineup card".

Or so we thought.

Unfortunately, the Braves ultimately decided to bring back Gonzalez, a man whose claim to fame was looking like the "Y U No" guy.  Their search thus ended, Frank Wren was free to return to, I don't know, donkey punching Terry Pendleton.

Since then, Fredi has done his best to undermine the roster and make a team that already doesn't get on base very well, even worse at it.  And before someone accuses me of being some sabermetric-loving douchebag, bear in mind I'm talking about simply batting a guy with an on-base percentage higher than .290 as your leadoff guy.  Also in my defense, fuck you.

Case in point, Chris Johnson is tearing it up this season and actually getting on base.  So where does Fredi bat him?  Why the 8th or 7th spot, naturally!  Meanwhile, both Andrelton Simmons and BJ (which incidentally stands for "Blow Joob" because even his nickname is an epic fail) Upton have both made it rain outs from the leadoff spot.

Why you ask?  Is it because Fredi can't imagine anyone other than a shortstop or center fielder leading off?  Perhaps he feels the guy has to have at least some speed.  Or maybe he got his head too close to his horse's hind legs the last time he was fucking it (I'm not saying he has sex with barn animals, but I'm also not not saying it). 

Either way, he needs to learn that you can't steal first base. And making me actually write that is yet another reason I hate him.

For now, it appears we're stuck with him.  Stuck with his annoying tendency to leave pitchers in even when it's clear they don't have it.  Stuck with his compulsion to bat guys who stink just because they're the "official pinch hitter". Stuck with his borderline sociopathic butchering of the lineup.  Stuck with Fredi.

Oh well.  At least he isn't Dusty Baker.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

ARod and the Yankees Should Hug It Out

This week, ARod emerged from his cocoon of steroids and Derek Jeter love dolls to bitch about not getting to play, startling many of us who'd assumed he'd died of any number of Madonna's STDs.  Apparently he thinks the Yankees are trying to sabotage him with shitty doctors, and if there's anything Rodriguez knows (outside of where to get an awesome centaur painting done of yourself) it's questionable medicine.

Well, surprisingly, the Yankees didn't appreciate it.  And while Brian Cashman has said what we've all wanted to (specifically, "shut the fuck up, Alex"), the ordeal is threatening to reach I Don't Give A Shit levels soon.  Already, Skip Bayless's sphincter is palpating at the very thought of discussing it with Stephen A Smith.

Please, guys, spare us from that.  Bury the hatchet.  Let bygones be bygones.  Choose your own stupid, fucking phrase for all I care.  Just don't make us listen to your drama for the next couple of months.

Haven't your fans suffered enough? 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Guns of the Patriots

OK.  We get it. 

Aaron Hernandez probably (definitely) killed a dude.  That's terrible.  I feel for the dead guy's family.

But holy shit, am I tired of hearing about it. 

ESPN might as well start another channel to cover all of the riveting new developments in this star studded case.  Did you know that Bill Belichick doesn't approve of murder?  Fucking fascinating.  Also, the Patriots might be emotionless cyborgs, but they apparently don't want their brand associated with assholes from Florida.

Whoops, never mind.

And that's the other thing.  Why the hell do we need to know every single sponsor that's dropped Hernandez?  I'm sure we all assumed very few companies (with the exception of possibly AT&T) were pro homicide, but thanks for letting me know Hernandez won't be featured in any shitty stickers this year.  I heard his Fat Head's only being sold to fucking hipsters who think it's ironic, too.

The bottom line to all of this, of course, is that one man is regrettably dead while another has ruined his life with a staggeringly bad choice.  But hopefully there'll be something else to talk about soon.  Maybe Brett Favre can text a picture of his dick to Tiger Woods.

Either way, the Patriots now have no chance at a decent tight end this year.  Which is, of course, my way of saying they're going to get their asses drilled this season by the Falcons in Atlanta.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

In Honor of Fantasy Football...

With FFB season just around the corner and the "joy" (read: soul-crushing Sunday afternoons) that brings, I thought I'd start us off with a little jaunt down memory lane.  This one's from last season's debacle.  And yes, I know in hind-site, having those players was a mistake from the get-go.  Thanks for the inevitable, expert input a year too late.

I would like to take a moment to post a long overdue, cathartic shout out to my team-- a collection of shit-eating, worthless assholes who have sucked more than just the dong of incompetence this year. They've managed to suck all the fun out of this season for me as well.
First, to my quarterbacks who have played like they've never even seen a football before. Tony Romo, your QB rating is 13 points below your career numbers and everyone knows you turn into a shit-filled pumpkin after Thanksgiving, so there's something to look forward to. Oh well, at least you're better than Phillip Rivers who, despite having been an elite player just two seasons ago, has managed to turn his career into something resembling a football version of the Aristocrats. Fuck you.
Brandon Lloyd, you are anti-talent. The announcers routinely mention how you have "the best hands on the field", but they must be referring to the reach-arounds you've been giving Belichick to keep your job, cause they sure as fuck aren't talking about your season. Maybe Bill will give you VD so you'll at least catch SOMETHING this year.
MJD, meanwhile, decided he'd get hurt every other down so I'd keep putting him in only to have him sprain his dick or some shit and reward me another awesome performance of 0 points. Just break your damn leg so I can drop you instead of having you haunt me like a case of sub-5 YPC anal warts. Steelers D, you couldn't stop a slowly rolling pile of shit, AKA your own RBs, of which I have had the displeasure of owning two so far. I hope Roethlisberger finally gets tired of this collective shitting on his games and takes you all to a nightclub just to rape you.
In summary, if I didn't mention you in this rant, just assume that you're too much of a joke for me to even bother, that you're a disgusting, worthless, boil on the asshole of the NFL, and that I hate each and every one of you. Except for AJ Green, of course. That guy is awesome. 
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