Friday, July 26, 2013

Fredi Gonzalez is a Big, Dumb Asshole

I'm an Atlanta sports fan, and I've loved the Braves for a long time.  I've watched Maddux in his prime, rooted for thin Andruw Jones, prayed for Chipper to stay healthy, and booed fat Andruw Jones. And through it all, I've supported and cared about my team.

But there is a blight on the team now.  A festering boil on Chief Noc-A-Homa's ass.

And his name is Fredi Gonzalez.

This rant starts harmlessly enough, with the Braves looking for a replacement for our legendarily popular manager, Bobby Cox.  You see, while Cox hadn't always made the right decisions, the players loved him, the fans mostly adored him, and he generally didn't do things to fuck us over too badly.  Sadly, that's all you can really ask of a baseball manager, a job that's main requirement seems to be "don't misspell your name on the lineup card".

Or so we thought.

Unfortunately, the Braves ultimately decided to bring back Gonzalez, a man whose claim to fame was looking like the "Y U No" guy.  Their search thus ended, Frank Wren was free to return to, I don't know, donkey punching Terry Pendleton.

Since then, Fredi has done his best to undermine the roster and make a team that already doesn't get on base very well, even worse at it.  And before someone accuses me of being some sabermetric-loving douchebag, bear in mind I'm talking about simply batting a guy with an on-base percentage higher than .290 as your leadoff guy.  Also in my defense, fuck you.

Case in point, Chris Johnson is tearing it up this season and actually getting on base.  So where does Fredi bat him?  Why the 8th or 7th spot, naturally!  Meanwhile, both Andrelton Simmons and BJ (which incidentally stands for "Blow Joob" because even his nickname is an epic fail) Upton have both made it rain outs from the leadoff spot.

Why you ask?  Is it because Fredi can't imagine anyone other than a shortstop or center fielder leading off?  Perhaps he feels the guy has to have at least some speed.  Or maybe he got his head too close to his horse's hind legs the last time he was fucking it (I'm not saying he has sex with barn animals, but I'm also not not saying it). 

Either way, he needs to learn that you can't steal first base. And making me actually write that is yet another reason I hate him.

For now, it appears we're stuck with him.  Stuck with his annoying tendency to leave pitchers in even when it's clear they don't have it.  Stuck with his compulsion to bat guys who stink just because they're the "official pinch hitter". Stuck with his borderline sociopathic butchering of the lineup.  Stuck with Fredi.

Oh well.  At least he isn't Dusty Baker.


  1. It's the Chris Johnson thing that gets me. That guy is in contention for the NL batting title, move him up!

  2. Remember Garret, using players to a productive end isn't the Fredi way. I'm not sure what "the Fredi way" is, honestly, but I think it involves a hamster, a long tube, and a knowing smile.